[excerpt from “Crushes”]

Funny who your heart chooses to fall for. How nice it would be to be able to pick and choose who we fall “in love” with.

Nice? No, not only “nice” but easy.

But we all know that life was not meant to be easy.

I’d like to say that I know how I got to like certain guys. If I sat down and analyzed the situation, I can pick out the qualities these people possess that make me crush on them.

And up until now, I didn’t mind crushing on people. But just recently, I’ve been asking myself, “I know why I like you, and how I got to that point, but what is it that I hope to accomplish out of liking you?”

*

“I mean, I know you’re all wrong for me. And I’m all wrong for you. And if, in my wildest dreams did the possibility ever did arise that we could go out, I know that our relationship wouldn’t last. I know you’re not the one I’m going to marry (right?). You’d get sick of me real quick. And I might get sick of you, too. So what’s the point in me liking you? What’s the point if I already know that it’ll all end up in heartbreak?”

And it makes me think, “Is it really worth having loved and lost, than never to have loved at all?”

No.

?

Maybe I have already lost.

Because maybe I didn’t have to have “had” to feel that way.

Because just sitting here thinking about the ending of “what could have been” already generates that feeling.

Hrmm…. And maybe that me typing up this cynical entry, I’ve already doomed myself that I already will.

Wow: my fate already sealed with cynicism.