Online journal entry:

January 21, 2003

So I was wondering about chasing, and I’m trying to answer the question: “Do I chase or not?”

At what point do you stop swallowing your pain? Is it okay to do so in the first place? Is it okay to hide the bitter look on your face as it slithers down your throat? Is it selfish to?

Do you allow yourself to stand in the way of someone else’s possible happiness? Or do you let them go ignorant of how you feel?

They say that timing is everything. “Timing is so important.” Well, my watch must be broken when it comes to picking when to chase and when to let go. I haven’t found the right balance between the two.

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I’ll give you an example: J and her boyfriend, D. So D is a year older than J and has already graduated from college. After his lease is up in 6 months, he will be looking for a job closer to his hometown. After walking the line this June, J will be applying for graduate schools to attend next year.

D doesn’t want her to “settle” for a school just because it’s near him in fear that she will later regret the decision and “blame” it on him. She on the other hand wants to take him into consideration in her decision because he’s a big part of her life. Hell, they are so into each other that marriage after a few years is a possibility.

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So, which side do you take? How much weight is someone else supposed to have on another’s life decisions? Is it okay to put someone else first? I mean, is it okay to make anything first before yourself?

Or is it “if you love someone, you would let them go?” And if it were “meant to be” everything would work out for the best, and if it didn’t, it wasn’t right?

I’d like to be unselfish and say that I would let someone go. I’d like to say that I could be understanding of a decision made that could adversely affect my emotions. Does that mean that I am letting someone go too easily?

Should I fight for someone to make a decision that would benefit the both of us? Is compromise too much to ask for?

I know that in past experiences I’ve learned that people have to do what they have to do for themselves.  You have to look out for yourself in life. But I also know that I personally have liked it when I was “chased.” I liked knowing that I was important in someone’s life.

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I don’t know. This is why I’m bad at making decisions. I’m a middle child. Everything has to be balanced and I see life as such. I see pros and cons, but I don’t know how to weigh them so one out does the other. I am in the middle of everything.

There’s a tug-a-war going on in the depths of my mind, and it’s always at a stalemate.

The issue sort of came up again in a recent conversation I was having with someone.

Almost six years later, I still haven’t figured it out.